Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Crazy Girl

Nothingness has become my constant companion. The emptiness of not knowing who you are takes over and envelopes you. I have searched high and low for the answer to who I am that I am just tired of searching. I don't have the mental or physical energy to do it anymore. But yet, here I am.

As I head back toward my house at the end of my walk I find my mind wandering. It is wandering through the photo albums of my past. I usually keep these closed and locked up real tight. Remembering is almost a fatal proposition for me. These photo albums have faceless and nameless people from my past in them that I don't remember anymore. No matter how long I spend searching my brain to remember them I still can't seem to put the faces back on each person in the pictures. If I am not careful I will get lost in these photo albums for days before I come back up for air.

Rounding the last corner to my house I am watching for cars so I can cross the street. Something is lying in the middle of the street. It looks like a book but it is hard to tell until I am in the middle of the road. Focusing on retrieving whatever the object is I stop focusing on the oncoming traffic. It is not a busy street but I still manage to have to dodge a car in order to pick up the book and head back to the house.

As I walk up the driveway with the book in my hand and through the back door I notice that my reverie has been broken and I am not the only one up in the house anymore. I can smell the coffee in the coffeepot, and hear the news on the TV as I close the back door. I put the book down to look at it later and head into the kitchen.

"Good Morning, Darling. You left for your walk before I woke up. I missed you."

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Crazy Girl

Waking up next to someone you don't know has to be one of the most existential experiences you can have as a human being. The cobwebs of sleep are so cluttered across my brain that I look at the person sleeping soundly next to me and I am filled with questions. As the sunlight slants across the room I realize I have no idea who this person is. The glint of sunlight that hits the mirror across the room catches my attention for a brief moment and I look up and away from the person next to me. As I look into the mirror I suddenly catch a glimpse of a girl and wonder who she is.

Now, I find there are two people in my bed and I have no idea who they are or where they came from. I am baffled by the situation I find myself in this morning. I search and search for the answers to my questions, but to no avail. The answers are as elusive as a mirage in a desert. Just as soon as I get close enough to understand the answers to my questions the answer disappears and I am left with nothing but sand running through my fingers.

As if on cue to some director behind the scenes the squawking of the alarm clock rings and I am roused from my dreamlike consciousness to the day. The person I have shared my life with for the past six years is stirring next to me and I somehow push all the uncertainties away from me as though they were part of a big meal I was finished eating. When I really wasn't finished at all and now still starving wish I could return to the table.

I reach over to silence the squawking before the person next to me is completely roused from their slumber so that I can silently slip off to begin my day in some kind of reverie. Their happiness totally eludes me. Their feelings totally elude me. I am consumed with just making it one more day on this earth.

My focal point of the next few minutes is getting my shoes on and going for a walk. I have gone for a walk every morning for the past six years. I put my shoes on and tie them in double knots so they won't come untied and then I step out the door. It doesn't matter if the sun is shining, the rain is falling, or the snow is blinding me I go for a walk.

As I walk I see the things around me. I see the cars on the side of the road. I see the people coming out to get their papers. I see the cars backing out of their driveway as people leave for work. I see people wave at me as I pass by.

As I walk I hear all the things around me as well. I hear the trash truck as it is coming down the street. I hear the cars in the distance on the highway. I hear dogs barking. I hear birds singing.

However, as I walk I feel nothing. I know the ground is beneath my feet, but I do not feel it. I know that the sun is shining, but I do not feel it on my skin. I know my chest is tightening from the pace I am walking, but I do not feel my heart beating faster and my breath quickening as I walk ever faster toward nothing.