Nothingness has become my constant companion. The emptiness of not knowing who you are takes over and envelopes you. I have searched high and low for the answer to who I am that I am just tired of searching. I don't have the mental or physical energy to do it anymore. But yet, here I am.
As I head back toward my house at the end of my walk I find my mind wandering. It is wandering through the photo albums of my past. I usually keep these closed and locked up real tight. Remembering is almost a fatal proposition for me. These photo albums have faceless and nameless people from my past in them that I don't remember anymore. No matter how long I spend searching my brain to remember them I still can't seem to put the faces back on each person in the pictures. If I am not careful I will get lost in these photo albums for days before I come back up for air.
Rounding the last corner to my house I am watching for cars so I can cross the street. Something is lying in the middle of the street. It looks like a book but it is hard to tell until I am in the middle of the road. Focusing on retrieving whatever the object is I stop focusing on the oncoming traffic. It is not a busy street but I still manage to have to dodge a car in order to pick up the book and head back to the house.
As I walk up the driveway with the book in my hand and through the back door I notice that my reverie has been broken and I am not the only one up in the house anymore. I can smell the coffee in the coffeepot, and hear the news on the TV as I close the back door. I put the book down to look at it later and head into the kitchen.
"Good Morning, Darling. You left for your walk before I woke up. I missed you."
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Crazy Girl
Waking up next to someone you don't know has to be one of the most existential experiences you can have as a human being. The cobwebs of sleep are so cluttered across my brain that I look at the person sleeping soundly next to me and I am filled with questions. As the sunlight slants across the room I realize I have no idea who this person is. The glint of sunlight that hits the mirror across the room catches my attention for a brief moment and I look up and away from the person next to me. As I look into the mirror I suddenly catch a glimpse of a girl and wonder who she is.
Now, I find there are two people in my bed and I have no idea who they are or where they came from. I am baffled by the situation I find myself in this morning. I search and search for the answers to my questions, but to no avail. The answers are as elusive as a mirage in a desert. Just as soon as I get close enough to understand the answers to my questions the answer disappears and I am left with nothing but sand running through my fingers.
As if on cue to some director behind the scenes the squawking of the alarm clock rings and I am roused from my dreamlike consciousness to the day. The person I have shared my life with for the past six years is stirring next to me and I somehow push all the uncertainties away from me as though they were part of a big meal I was finished eating. When I really wasn't finished at all and now still starving wish I could return to the table.
I reach over to silence the squawking before the person next to me is completely roused from their slumber so that I can silently slip off to begin my day in some kind of reverie. Their happiness totally eludes me. Their feelings totally elude me. I am consumed with just making it one more day on this earth.
My focal point of the next few minutes is getting my shoes on and going for a walk. I have gone for a walk every morning for the past six years. I put my shoes on and tie them in double knots so they won't come untied and then I step out the door. It doesn't matter if the sun is shining, the rain is falling, or the snow is blinding me I go for a walk.
As I walk I see the things around me. I see the cars on the side of the road. I see the people coming out to get their papers. I see the cars backing out of their driveway as people leave for work. I see people wave at me as I pass by.
As I walk I hear all the things around me as well. I hear the trash truck as it is coming down the street. I hear the cars in the distance on the highway. I hear dogs barking. I hear birds singing.
However, as I walk I feel nothing. I know the ground is beneath my feet, but I do not feel it. I know that the sun is shining, but I do not feel it on my skin. I know my chest is tightening from the pace I am walking, but I do not feel my heart beating faster and my breath quickening as I walk ever faster toward nothing.
Now, I find there are two people in my bed and I have no idea who they are or where they came from. I am baffled by the situation I find myself in this morning. I search and search for the answers to my questions, but to no avail. The answers are as elusive as a mirage in a desert. Just as soon as I get close enough to understand the answers to my questions the answer disappears and I am left with nothing but sand running through my fingers.
As if on cue to some director behind the scenes the squawking of the alarm clock rings and I am roused from my dreamlike consciousness to the day. The person I have shared my life with for the past six years is stirring next to me and I somehow push all the uncertainties away from me as though they were part of a big meal I was finished eating. When I really wasn't finished at all and now still starving wish I could return to the table.
I reach over to silence the squawking before the person next to me is completely roused from their slumber so that I can silently slip off to begin my day in some kind of reverie. Their happiness totally eludes me. Their feelings totally elude me. I am consumed with just making it one more day on this earth.
My focal point of the next few minutes is getting my shoes on and going for a walk. I have gone for a walk every morning for the past six years. I put my shoes on and tie them in double knots so they won't come untied and then I step out the door. It doesn't matter if the sun is shining, the rain is falling, or the snow is blinding me I go for a walk.
As I walk I see the things around me. I see the cars on the side of the road. I see the people coming out to get their papers. I see the cars backing out of their driveway as people leave for work. I see people wave at me as I pass by.
As I walk I hear all the things around me as well. I hear the trash truck as it is coming down the street. I hear the cars in the distance on the highway. I hear dogs barking. I hear birds singing.
However, as I walk I feel nothing. I know the ground is beneath my feet, but I do not feel it. I know that the sun is shining, but I do not feel it on my skin. I know my chest is tightening from the pace I am walking, but I do not feel my heart beating faster and my breath quickening as I walk ever faster toward nothing.
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